The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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