Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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