I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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