so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
