I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
