I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
