I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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