my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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