can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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