Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Too much gin, very little bucket
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
