Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
