my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
