i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
