My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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