from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
