i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
