He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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