He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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