i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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