I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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