I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
