You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
