mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
