Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
