i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
