Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
