i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
