I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
