Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
