We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
where are my eyebrows?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
