So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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