Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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