I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
