I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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