If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
