I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
