you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
