I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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