My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
