So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
