I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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