I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize