The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
