can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
