I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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