Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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