My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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