i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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