Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
