Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You can't motorboat a personality
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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