If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
