It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
