Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
