I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
