Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
