My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
