What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
