Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize