i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
