At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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