It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
