So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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