um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize