I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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