Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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