Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
