How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
